It's not that big

Our house is just not that big. It's not that small, but it's not big enough for all the ideas I have for it. It could be made bigger but we're not doing that. See last post.

So my plan never involved a formal dining room. I am not a big formal dining room kind of person. I barely get out of my pajamas. My neighbors know this is not an exaggeration but the rest of you will have to trust me. We will have an eating area with a cozy, inviting bench. But we have to seat 10 people. I have 10 people at my house regularly. Ask my cousins. First, second, third cousins, they all show up and we end up being 10 people. I love it, but each booty needs a seat. Currently we kind of squish in and no one can walk around the table. I don't love that.

So the other day the cabinet maker and construction foreman came over for a 2 hr meeting. We discussed endless intricate details which all seemed to convey just how small this space is. Actually it's not that small. It's 11 x 21, with the middle section soon to be 14 x 21. Details were coming along, changes being discussed, reassurances made about how different it will feel with the walls down. Then we got to planning the eating area. Table has to go in the 11 ft wide part and that's just not big enough. All this would be easily improvised if I didn't insist on a large center island and a separate wall oven and cooktop, and coffee bar, and and and. I have to prioritize.

So I will spare you the details of the heart attack where I thought I'd just blown my deposit because this whole plan is impossible and that's why we haven't done this for 10 years and we have to move and I want to throw up. Pause. Breathe. Reset. The cabinet maker found a solution involving a pretty small extension to an existing wall, and a slightly unconventional layout being more squarish than rectangular for the big meals, but now we can fit 10 or 11.

There were two related realizations that came out of this conversation. First is that I really cannot comprehend what it will fee like with the walls torn down and thus it's hard for me to make layout decisions. The contractors with dozens of years of experience are much better at it and were gently guiding me to see that sometimes extending a wall can actually make the space bigger, by allowing better layout. All my years of living in and thinking about this space isn't the only kind of experience needed to imagine it better. Also, everything is a compromise. I have to prioritize my wish list of more open space, a big island, lots of counter and storage space and a big table. In any home, those priorities are in conflict with each other so we have to figure out the best balance. Notice I didn't even throw budget in there. In a sense budget is the least of the players when balancing storage space vs. flow.

But the whole thing was a bit of a gut check on my expectations. I have to stop imagining that I'm going to end up with a huge open, roomy space, that one sees in the large 6,000 square foot tear downs around here. It will be a huge improvement from what I have now, but I'm not sure I have the right image in my head. And I swear to God, there is a little part of me that thinks this kitchen is going to cook dinner for me.